so, here we are... I didn't think it was ever going to happen.
five weeks, or maybe six weeks, into my new life, and I'm listening to the sound of the raindrops on a window of a last day of summer. Some will say that rain is self-explanatory in this city, I say that I've seen the most wonderful sunshine since I am here (one week and two days) - but there's a coast and the smell of the sea, even when I'm far away from the harbour, the underpass from the bus station smells like the sea, and when you come out on the other side, by the little lake, there's seagulls and you know that the ocean is somewhere close. there's a clear division between seagulls and pigeons - the first ones stay close the the water, the latter go as far as the little fence or even the grass, but they know water belongs to the other birds, it's weird, like marking territory, do birds mark their territory?
there's so much fog you can't see the mountains from here.
I've tried to write you letters and I've failed. I'm wondering how much I'll let this go on for, how many silences you will dig deep into, how many of the things I am not telling you you will be embracing, is that what happens when you love someone?
I just think of the promise with the empty envelope and the bracelet - our secret, is it a secret, or just a coded message for one recipient and one sender, only?
I just see you and the curb and an empty glass next to me and my lighter dancing in my hands as you tell me you love me and I don't react, and the most wonderful - most troubling - is that you stay, you stayed, you are staying, you will stay - even when I said nothing, I just nodded and bit my lip and said - what did I say? did I say I didn't? did I say, "I know"? or did I just keep my silence, did I tell you I couldn't love you back?
sometimes I want to write the story of my life, it would be pages with a lot of
B A C K S P A C I N G
S I L E N T W O R D S
there would be sea shells too..