I feel like I'm late with my period, even though technically I'm not. I feel exhausted and irritable and annoyed and I feel like no one is worth my time.
They had my grandmother's funeral without me, and I just found out, and I'm angry. because WHAT THE HELL? Come on. It's just a bullshit flight from Norway to Italy and back. it's not a BIG FUCKING DEAL. it's like I'm fourteen again, my mom not mentioning that my cat had died because she didn't want to ruin the birthday party I was at. except much worse.
my grandmother died alone.
We left her city when I was 5; pretty much since I can remember, she's been sick and we've been away. For seventeen years, I saw her once a year. yes. seventeen times in my life have I seen my grandmother, pretty much. and I MISSED HER FUNERAL. it's a big fucking cosmic joke, that's what it is.
I want to sit here and stare at the ceiling and squint my eyes until it starts glowing red.
- Music:sonic youth: superstar, on repeat