I saw the boy in Paris. the one who was so beautiful, he made summer days look ugly. the one who stole my heart inadvertently at a house-party - he stood there so gorgeous and quiet like a drunk rockstar. we met at a carrousel near my hotel. we sat at the terrace of a café, watched the people walking by. I was nervously twisting and untwisting my straw. I was scared of losing. I still am. his heart is so far away. I wish it could just be solved with a phone call and a smile and me dropping everything and moving to paris and starting over - again - because I'd really like to, not because of him, but because vienna scares me. the darkness of the waters and the depths at which I drown in bars. I don't want a knight in shining armour but a traveller with dark eyes and his cute nose and messy hair.
C wrote my name in the toilets of their venue in vienna and wrote me a card from tour. he drew an owl so punkrock and cute, my heart just jumped when i found it in our new mailbox but, so what? he's just a boy and when I met him I was weak. I am going to a lot of barbecues reading a lot of books writing postcards longer than my autobiography and meeting boys at people's houses and discussing music with older more experienced kids..I'm drifting. I want someone to hug, I can't wait to see panda in september.