this week was a spiralling up and down, in out and about.
I'm going to Oslo next week, kind of hoping to stay at Tyge's even though I feel bad taking over their couch and Margit the cat for a whole week.
My heart is healed like whoa; it screams at the wonderful sunshine (okay, so today is the first grey day since last week) and dances in my chest because it's free. I'm slowly getting rid of my R. guilt and C. co-dependence. the latter is like a drug but I'm in rehab; also because he's in guatemala now, also because he's less of an ego-tripper and more of a human, also because I don't believe in boy-perfection, also because I feel better with myself and no one else.. also because I am too busy to be hoping for a card or some news.
I'm reading a lot of books and pretending I can draw.
I'm drawing a lot of ribcages and thinking of the swiss boy and his marble creatures.
I'm listening to dirty punk and thinking of my Berlin date, the one I promised to kiss again no matter what no matter when. Lately my memory plays me tricks. fast-forwarding through incomprehension and sadness and pausing at every frame on the movie of us happy in the february sunlight. has it already been two years? it feels like eternity goes by so quickly. anyway, so I miss him more than I have in months. I don't mind keeping it that way.
Panda is also missed, because the days pass so empty of surprises without him; no book talk and quiet drives, no hanging around at night. I keep my memories and feelings to myself, unhappy things are pushed under and laughter surfaces with the new people I've met.